I came across a little cartoon the other day, you can peek at it here: http://plumlococomic.blogspot.com/2012/05/sat-eve-post-cartoons-roy-delgado.html#links
It made me laugh for a second… and then wince in recognition.
Because like most good cartoons, it exaggerates what’s true:
we think we’re listening, but most of the time we’re either distracted, planning our response, rehearsing our defense, or waiting for our turn.

And that got me thinking about what real listening actually asks of us.

I’m sharing a quick quiz and a list of listening blocks below, fair warning, they’re uncomfortably accurate.
Take a peek and let me know which ones made you laugh or wince.
I’d love to hear what comes up for you, email me at ilana@ilanabrown.com.

How Effective are your Listening skills

Answer the questions below, to see how effective you are in practicing good listening skills  

35 and above: You are an excellent listener

25-35: You listen but have room for improvement       

Less than 25:You need to improve your listening skills                      

What do you think you can work on? 

BLOCKS TO LISTENING (Sourced from Dr. Thomas Gordon)

There are 12 blocks to listening. You will find that some are old favourites that you use over and over. Others are held in reserve for certain types of people and situations. Everyone uses listening blocks, so you shouldn’t worry if a lot of blocks are familiar. This is an opportunity to become more aware of your blocks at the time you actually see them.

1.  Comparing Comparing makes it hard to listen because you’re always trying to assess who is smarter, more competent, more emotionally healthy -you or the other. Some people focus on who has suffered more, who’s a bigger victim. You can’t let much in because you’re too busy seeing if you measure up.

2. Mind Reading -The mind doesn’t pay much attention to what people say. In fact he often distrusts it. He’s trying to figure out what the other person is really thinking and feeling. The mind reader pays less attention to words than to intonations and subtle cues in an effort to see through to the truth. If you are a mind reader, you probably make assumptions about how people react to you. “I bet he’s looking at my lousy skin. She thinks I’m stupid.”

3. Rehearsing -You don’t have time to listen when you are rehearsing what to say. Your whole attention is on the preparation and crafting of your next comment. You have to look interested, but your mind is going a mile a minute because you’ve got a story to tell or a point to make. Some people rehearse whole chains of response: “I’II say, then he’ll say, then I’ll say” and so on.

4. Filtering -When you filter, you listen to some things and not to others. You pay only enough attention to see if somebody’s angry, or unhappy, or if you’ re in emotional danger. Once assured that the communication contains none of these things, you let your mind wander. Another way people filter is to avoid hearing certain things -particularly anything threatening, negative, critical, or unpleasant It’s as if the words were never said: you simply have no memory of them.

5. Judging -Negative labels have enormous power. If you prejudge someone as stupid or nuts or unqualified, you don’t pay much attention to what they say. You’ve already written them off. Hastily judging a statement as immoral, hypocritical, fascist, pinko, or crazy means you’ve ceased to listen and have begun a “knee jerk” reaction. A basic rule of listening is that judgements should only be made after you have heard and evaluated the content of the message.

6. Being Right -Being right means you will go to any lengths (twist the facts, start shouting, make excuses or accusations, call up past sins) to avoid being wrong. You can’t listen to criticism, you can’t be corrected, and you can’t take suggestions to change. And since you won’t acknowledge that your mistakes are mistakes, you just keep making them.

7. Dreaming -You’re half-listening, and something the person says suddenly triggers a chain or private associations. Your neighbour says she’s been laid off, and in a flash you’re off to the scene where you got fired for playing hearts on those long coffee breaks. And you’re gone, only to return a few minutes later as your neighbour says, “I knew you’d understand but don’t tell my husband”. You are more prone to dreaming when you feel bored or anxious but if you dream a lot with certain people, it may indicate a lack of commitment to knowing or appreciating them ()r that you don’t value what they say very much.

8. Identifying -In this block, you take everything a person tells you and refer it back to your own experience. They want to tell you about a toothache, but that reminds you of the time you had oral surgery for receding gums. You launch into your story before they can finish theirs. Everything you hear reminds you of something that you’ve felt, done or suffered. You’re so busy with these exciting tales of your life that there’s no time to really hear or get to know the other person.

9. Advising -You are the great problem-solver, ready with help and suggestions. You don’t have to hear more than a few sentences before you begin searching for the right advice. However, while you are cooking up suggestions and convincing someone to “just try it” you may miss what’s most important. You didn’t hear the feelings, and you didn’t acknowledge the person’s pain. He or she still feels basically alone because you couldn’t listen and just be there.

10. Sparring -This block has you arguing and debating with people. The other person never feels heard because you’re so quick to disagree. In fact, a lot of your focus is on finding things to disagree with. You take strong stands, are very clear about your beliefs and preferences. One subtype of sparring is the put-down. You use acerbic or sarcastic remarks to dismiss the other person’s point of view. A second type of sparring is discounting. Discounting is for people who can’t stand compliments. Oh, I didn’t do anything. What do you mean? I was totally lame. It’s nice of you to say, but it’s really a very poor attempt”. This basic technique of discounting is to run yourself down when you get a compliment the other person never feels satisfied that you really heard his appreciation. And he’s right -you didn’t

11. Derailing -This listening block is accomplished by suddenly changing the subject. You derail the train of conversation when you get bored or uncomfortable with a topic. Another way of derailing is by joking it off. This means that you continually respond to whatever is said with a joke or quip in order to avoid the discomfort or anxiety in seriously listening to the other person.

12. Placating –“Right…Right…Absolutely…know… Of course you are… Incredible…  Yes… Really?” You want to be nice, pleasant, and supportive. You want people to like you. So you agree with everything. You may half-listen, just enough to get the drift, but you’re not really involved. You are placating rather than tuning in and examining what is being said.